


The Gender Crisis

by GreyWolfandMoon



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Genderfluid Character, Genderfluid Remus Lupin, M/M, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Truth or Dare, sirius tries to help, supportive boyfriend
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-24
Updated: 2019-02-24
Packaged: 2019-11-04 22:35:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,227
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17906951
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GreyWolfandMoon/pseuds/GreyWolfandMoon
Summary: After a game of truth and dare, Remus is dared to wear Lily's makeup and clothes. Things start to change in his life, and he discovers that... maybe he might just be genderfluid.Written for 2019 Remus Lupin Fest.





	The Gender Crisis

**Author's Note:**

> Huge thanks to [Shadow Prince](https://archiveofourown.org/users/shadow_prince/pseuds/shadow_prince) for beta'ing and sharing his insights!

For a very long time there was only silence. Remus was flushed in the face and the whole of his neck, his breathing quick and heavy.

 

‘Marlene!’

 

Marlene smirked, probably still relishing her one hell of a dare for Remus. He turned to Sirius for help, only to see his boyfriend biting his lips, looking like he was gagged and swallowing his laughter. _Tosser._

 

‘Well,’ James said in a funny voice, rubbing his glasses on his robes, not even trying to hide the fact that those were tears from laughing too hard on his glasses. ‘That settled it then. You have up to half an hour to do as Marlene said. Lady Moony, woohoo!’

 

‘And where am I supposed to get a bra and skirt and makeup and stuff?’ Remus snapped, fixing James with what he hoped was a death glare; but it was needless to say that he had failed dismally – even with his logic. _Of course_ it would be extremely difficult to dress up as a girl when he was practically in the same room as the whole of female Gryffindor seventh-year population.

 

‘You can have mine,’ said Lily as she placed a consoling hand on his shoulder. Her almond-shaped eyes were so bright and kind that Remus was almost tricked into believing that she was saving him from his misery. Only she was, in fact, kicking him deeper into it.

 

‘Not you too, Evans,’ mumbled Remus. She only laughed and clapped him on the shoulder, extending a hand to pull him up to his feet.

 

‘Come with me, I won’t embarrass you… too much.’

 

Remus supposed she was right: maybe he should be grateful that he was not going to wear any clothes of Marlene or Mary’s choosing. A moment later he was led into the girl’s dormitory (the stairs didn’t turn into a slide, surprisingly) and in front of Lily’s wardrobe.

 

‘This is the silk dress I really like, and this is the belt that goes with it.’ She pulled them out from her trunk and shoved them into Remus’s hands. ‘This is the bra –‘ she blushed a little before she gave him a wink, ‘– you know how to wear it right? Just don’t pull it all over your head with the hook on, it’ll break more easily that way. Honestly, men. The way they break everything… Okay, I’ll be right here once you’re done to help you with the makeup, alright?’

 

When Remus replied by rolling his eyes, she chuckled. ‘Relax, I’m sure you’ve been dared to do more ridiculous things before.’

 

With that she left, leaving Remus to the empty room and himself. There was a full length mirror just next to the wardrobe, and Remus could see his flustered reflection in it. Sure, he’d been dared to put a condom over his head, he’d once put a magically shrunk Mandrake in his mouth all day, but he never openly displayed it to the others apart from the Marauders. Now, not only did he have to wear Lily’s underwear (not actually hers, but his transfigured into hers; James had made sure of it), but also put on her dress and makeup and act like a girl for the rest of the game because the damned bottle stopped on him when it was Marlene fucking McKinnon’s turn to dare.

 

‘Fuck you, McKinnon,’ Remus muttered, wholeheartedly but not meaning it literally given his current relationship status. He stripped off until he was only in his boxers, and once again he wondered what drew Sirius to him in the first place. He was too pale, too thin, too scarred, with his disproportionately long limbs and bones jutting out beneath his skin, yet he didn’t even reach Sirius’s forehead when they stood face to face because he liked to slouch. He’d never consider himself attractive, but there Sirius was, always standing close and never truly leaving him, not even after that particular prank which nearly altered everything between them. Sirius always wormed his way back into Remus’s heart, however difficult things were.

 

A look at his watch told him that five out of thirty minutes had passed, and Merlin knows what would be in store for him if he didn’t show up in time. Hastily he tried to put on the bra like Lily instructed, but that bloody piece of wire just wouldn’t comply; the hook kept undoing by itself. After a few more attempts, he decided to hook the two straps together first before throwing it over his head just as Lily had explicitly warned against – and now he had the bra safely perched over his flat chest. Without further hesitation, he fumbled for the dress and belt and slipped it on.

 

The first spark of electricity erupted against his skin where the smooth silk slid through. The green dress hung on his fragile frame like a veil, billowing in the night breeze that came from the window. He fiddled with the sleeves and the deep neck of the dress, wondering whether the neck should go below the bra to have a bit of it exposed like those he saw on the magazines buried deep underneath his bed at home. He made the decision a second later; he pulled it up, making sure the bra was safely covered because he didn’t actually have the fleshy parts beneath and it was them that people wanted to see, not the bra per se, he reckoned. And suddenly he wished he had those, just for a day or two, just for him in this dress –

 

A current shot through him when he slid his hand down his thigh, exploring more parts of this version of him. The silky clothing was soft like water, slipping through his fingers, and there was an unfamiliar sense of airiness around his skinny legs created by the light dress flapping and billowing. It was strangely satisfying, the way the metal hook of the bell clicked and clattered against his groin. He pressed his legs tighter together, rolling his hips a little – and looked in the mirror.

 

There was a fair creature staring back at him. Their pale skin radiated pearl-white against the green, the crimson on Their cheeks only enhanced their beauty. Remus was mesmerized; only when he pressed his palm against himself, smoothing the dress over his thighs, his calves, to his ankles where the tip of the dress touched did he realise: it was him in the mirror.

 

He felt – somehow – different.

                         

* * *

 

James’s whistle. Peter’s dazed look. Marlene’s open jaw.

 

Sirius’s burning gaze.

 

‘Alright there, Miss Gorgeous,’ said Lily jokingly as she tapped on Remus’s bare back lightly. ‘Come introduce yourself.’

 

Remus allowed himself to be pulled to where he sat before, his half-empty firewhiskey bottle exactly how he left it. Instead of plopping down like he owned the place (which he did, to be fair), he let out a soft cough through his lips that were coated with sweet, sticky lipstick and folded his dress neatly on his thighs as he tucked his legs behind him.

 

‘Hi,’ Remus squeaked. It came out softer and more high-pitched than he intended; it was as if he was really presenting himself to a new group of friends. He saw a faint shade of pink blossomed over Peter’s cheeks, and when Peter met his gaze, the chubby boy looked away hastily.

 

‘It’s a bit hot in here, innit,’ said Remus to no one in particular, his cheeks reflecting the feverish burn of Peter’s. Perhaps the mascara and blusher he applied was too heavy, he felt his inner self shift nervously – albeit not uncomfortably – under the new skin. It was not until Marlene let out a giggle that he dared to look at the direction where Sirius and Marlene were sitting together.

 

Sirius seemed to have been frozen to the spot. One of his brows was half-raised, his eyes were wide and fixed on Remus with a hungry stare. Deep inside the stormy grey, there was a twitch of confusion to it which most people would not have been able to pick up; but Remus was not most people. He had seen the moment of bafflement in his beloved, and it had found its way into the depth of his heart. Perhaps sensing Remus’s dismay, it melted away as quickly as Remus had detected it, adroitly concealed behind the lidded eyes.

 

Remus’s heart quickened. He was not used to being stared at; in an attempt to ease his embarrassment, he licked his lips, adding a coat of moisture over them. The floral taste of the lipstick melted into his tongue like sugar.

 

‘Your… teeth,’ James said suddenly. His usual eloquence was all gone. ‘Red. Lipstick’s stuck on it – Lily’s lipstick,’ he supplied the last phrase hastily, as though he was reminding himself not to lean in and lap it up.

 

The almost stifling silence was broken by Marlene lunging at the bottle on the tiles. ‘Let’s continue,’ she breathed, her voice dreamy. ‘I want to be dared to kiss Remus.’

 

‘Not again,’ Remus mumbled, damning his untimely blush.

 

The game continued.

                                 

* * *

 

The next few weeks passed uneventfully except that Remus couldn’t quite forget the feeling of being in Lily’s dress, which was rather different to the typical Marauders behaviour. They would usually let the others live it down however stupid they’d acted (although _occasional_ mentions were permitted; and by occasional, there was no exact definition), and this time there was no exception. The other Marauders had adhered to it strictly. Or so Remus thought.

 

‘WHERE ARE ALL MY DRESS ROBES?’

 

Emmeline Vance’s scream echoed shrilly in the Great Hall, drawing everyone’s attention to the Slytherin table.

 

‘Oh!’ another Slytherin girl gasped at the long end of the table, her head snapped up from the beans and potatoes she was devouring. ‘I was wondering about the same thing!’

 

‘That’s right! I thought the cat stole my pants –’

 

‘Couldn’t find my shawl this morning! ...’

 

‘Thieves, Headmaster! There are thieves!’

 

The Great Hall boiled up. Sneaky glances were cast towards the Gryffindor table –more specifically towards the Marauders. Sirius stared boredly at his pumpkin juice and shrugged.

 

Dumbledore’s cough disrupted the commotion. ‘Good morning everyone,’ he said after the students had calmed down a little, ‘not the most pleasant way to start a day, I see. Hopefully, what I’m about to announce will make everyone’s day a little bit brighter.’

 

This attracted all the attention. Dumbledore rarely intervened in house rivalries; people suspected he rather enjoyed it so that he would have something to laugh about when he wasn’t eating lemon drops.

 

‘I am pleased to announce that Hogwarts will be hosting a Spring Ball in February. It is our honour to have the Beauxbatons Potions Master, Mademoiselle Sophie Binoche and her sixth-year potions class visit Hogwarts. At the same time, officers from the Department for Education will also be here to celebrate the bond-building between two magical schools and the exchange of knowledge…’

 

Dumbledore’s speech went on and on. The audience was hardly listening; at least for the Marauders, their attention had already been diverted to the subject of dates. It was such a heated debate that they decided to have a more thorough discussion that night when they were free from McGonagall’s hawk-like glares and Mary Macdonald’s open prying.  

 

Remus held his breath, secretly celebrating the fact that his epic dare was truly, literally, forever forgotten. But his joy didn’t last for long.

                             

* * *

 

‘Moony can be the girl,’ Sirius said.

 

Remus whipped around in surprise. Sirius had none of the joking faces he made when pranking, but of seriousness and defensiveness. Judging from James and Peter’s expressions, they were equally stunned as Remus was.

 

‘I said,’ Sirius said, word by word, ‘that Moony can be the girl and dance with me.’

 

‘But we never –‘ Peter looked between Sirius and Remus in confusion. ‘We’re the Marauders – we never needed a girl –‘

 

‘Well it’s a ball, and a ball functions in the way that couples consisting of a boy and a girl dance in the hall,’ Sirius said matter-of-factly; growing up in the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black had taught him enough about ball etiquette. ‘It’s not pranking, Pete, we don’t need a girl to be a Marauder but we do, however, need a girl to dance with. And Moony can be that girl. He’s got experience. Remember last time we dared him to wear Lily’s dress? He made a gorgeous girl.’

 

Remus’s heart sank. What the hell was Sirius babbling about?

 

‘But surely we can ask Dumbledore if two boys could dance?’ Peter argued.

 

Sirius snorted. ‘We could dance naked if we wanted to without anyone’s permission. But there will be lots of people there, like ministry officials and, erm, I think it’s better to stick to the rules, those old bones. Plus, Moony will make the prettiest girl on earth,’ he said rather proudly.

 

James’s mouth went agape. He shared a look with Peter that clearly said ‘Since when does Padfoot follow rules’, but then he rumpled his hair and clapped on Sirius’s shoulder.

 

‘You’re absolutely right, Pads. We need a girl. I need a girl. Lily is a girl, so I need Lily. Yes, Lily –‘ He rubbed his hands together, eyes shimmering with the delight of a school boy who just figured out a difficult math question. Still mumbling unintelligibly, he went off to the girl’s dormitory.

 

Remus waited until Peter had excused himself. As soon as the door was shut, he lunged at Sirius. ‘What –!’

 

‘Look, Remus,’ Sirius steadied him with his arms around Remus’s waist. ‘I was trying to help…’

 

‘How were you trying to help –!’ Remus sounded like he was being strangled. ‘You know damn well last time – Marlene – that was just a dare! It’s, it’s not like I wanted to dress in girl’s clothes! You – _are you humiliating me?_ ’

 

‘Remus, Moony, babe, it’s not like that,’ Sirius looked panicked. As much as Remus appreciated his creativity, the feeling of being humiliated overrode his affection for him. Right now he wanted nothing more than to punch him in the face.

 

‘That’s not what I meant, Moonpie,’ said Sirius desperately. ‘Of course I want the best for you – don’t you like girls’ clothes and makeup and stuff? I thought – I thought you were happy –‘

 

Remus stilled. ‘You thought what?’ The words came out in a whisper. The memories of the night he wore Lily’s dress came back to mind, condensing into a rock in his chest and growing. He did like it, didn’t he? The silky material, the billowy dress, the soft pads of the bra…

 

‘I thought you were happy in Lily’s dress,’ said Sirius in a low voice. ‘You were – practically glowing, I’ve never seen you like that before. The way you moved, the way you swayed in your dress… it fit you more than any dress can fit any other girl. It’s like you were born in it.’

 

Remus bit his lip, trying hard not to let out a whimper. It was a fantasy, a dream, but also a whim. Had he been that obvious? Probably not, or else James and Peter would’ve noticed. Or the girls would, but they didn’t. Just yesterday Mary was still teasing him about being an awful bird, and Remus had shrugged that off with a pledge that he’d next make Marlene and Mary do something much more hideous. He remembered Sirius frowning next to him, and he had wondered why. Now everything made sense.

 

‘Sorry I assumed,’ Sirius hung his head low and rested it on Remus’s shoulder. ‘If I had known… I wouldn’t have gone through all that trouble of sneaking into the Slytherin girls’ dormitory. Bloody Emmeline Vance nearly blasted my balls off.’

 

Remus’s head jerked up. ‘That was you?’

 

Sirius made a soft ‘hm’ as Remus felt him nodded against his shoulder. ‘I overheard McGonagall talking about the ball,’ he whispered, ‘I thought… well, I wanted to see that smile on your face again. I thought you might…’

 

His voice trailed off, but Remus understood all the same. Sirius’s gesture might not have presented itself in the most pleasant way, but it was his intention and acceptance that moved Remus to no end. Very lightly, he tugged at Sirius’s hair, and Sirius looked up with a sheepish expression.

 

‘No, don’t be sorry,’ said Remus, his voice barely audible. A thought had suddenly sprung up in him. ‘Show me the clothes.’

                       

* * *

 

It turned out that Sirius hadn’t only nicked dresses but women’s trousers and braces as well. Remus had to admit that the Slytherin girls had taste – or maybe Sirius only nicked those he approved. This rather pleased Remus, but one particular thought was snowballing in him that not even the array of clothes and Sirius tenderness could ease his mind.

 

On the night of the ball, Remus stood hesitating before the pile of clothes even though he had been shown these clothes two weeks before.

 

‘Hurry up, Moony!’ Sirius shouted outside the loo. ‘Ten minutes till the ball!’

 

‘Coming!’ Remus shouted back. It seemed that his little experiment was not working out. He had agreed to Sirius’s plan out of curiosity; he wanted to ignite the spark again – to feel it in his veins. But the magic simply wasn’t there anymore. On the contrary, he started to regret even going to the ball. In that particular moment, a book and a quill were what he desired most. They calmed him.

 

‘It’s just nerves,’ he told himself. He pulled over a simple grey dress in a hurry. It was perfunctorily done, as emotionless and plain as the rocks beneath his bare feet. When he tugged at the V-neck and bared his flat chest, discomfort rushed over him. It was as though he was being dragged into a prank to be a laughing stock for the night’s event.

 

He saw Sirius standing alone in the quiet corridor. He wore a neutral expression, but the small crease between his brows showed that he was as nervous as Remus himself. His thoughts wandered involuntarily back to the confused glances that Sirius secretly shot him the night that Marlene gave her dare – why? Perhaps appreciation was not on par with acceptance, not when it came as a shock. But he was glad that at least Sirius tried.

 

Sirius lit up the moment he saw him. ‘You look beautiful,’ he breathed, and then he frowned. ‘Is everything alright?’

 

‘Yeah, I guess,’ Remus fidgeted with the hem. ‘Bit scared that people will laugh is all.’

 

‘They won’t,’ said Sirius reassuringly. ‘If they do, they’ll regret it.’ He pulled out his wand so that anyone that was not blind would see it glowing threateningly. Remus wanted to point out that it would probably scare people off, but then Sirius looped his arm with Remus’s and led the way, like a gentlemen leading his lady.

 

Instead of moving, Remus lingered, agitated. The way Sirius held his wand made him uncomfortable.

 

‘You don’t like it, do you?’ he asked despite himself.

 

‘What are you talking about?’ Sirius looked back incredulously. ‘Of course I do. I hand-picked the dress for you!’

 

Remus bit his lips. Was it what he really wanted? But he was not really a lady who needed her prince’s protection; he didn’t need Sirius dressing him up like a baby. In truth, he didn’t need anyone to treat him like he’d got a fragile ego and should be handled with extra care – he wanted to live as he willed – even if he was not entirely sure what he wanted. But how could he say all that when Sirius had done all this?

 

So he just looked away, but his petulance was unwilling to be subdued.

 

‘You’re afraid someone will not like it, then.’ _Who? Myself?_

 

‘Moony, Moony,’ Sirius stopped, looking right in Remus’s eyes. ‘You know as well as I that it’s – let’s say, an unconventional outfit you’re wearing, and I respect that. And you deserve every right to be respected no matter how you dress. They can fuck right off if they don’t like it.’

 

 _That, however,_ thought Remus, _is exactly where the problem lies_. He didn’t want to just ‘dress like a girl’, though what was actually bugging him, he couldn’t quite tell, so he just squeezed Sirius’s hand and shrugged.

                              

* * *

 

Remus clicked his high heels, eyes darting left and right to see if anyone was giving him weird stares. When he didn’t, he only got more anxious – for no particular reason at all. Just as let out a sigh of relief, he saw Marlene hurrying towards him, not far behind her was Lily and the Gryffindor girls.

 

‘Oh my god, Remus!’ Marlene breathed. Remus felt Sirius stiffen beside him.

 

Marlene looked up and down. Remus couldn’t tell what passed her face – could it be astonishment? Shock? Contempt? Or disgust?

 

‘McKinnon –‘ Sirius started, but Marlene cut him off.

 

‘Remus, you’re drop dead gorgeous! You – I’ve never seen someone who can wear something so simple in such an elegant way! Don’t tell Mary I said that,’ she nudged Remus playfully, a smile tugging the corner of her mouth. ‘It suits you, though I’d suggest a pair of silver shoes, they’d bring out the etherealness…Yep, only that. You’re still almost as pretty as me though.’

 

‘I think he’s beautiful too,’ Sirius said dreamily.

 

Marlene looked as though something sudden realisation had struck her. After a moment of consideration, she said, weighing her words carefully, ‘Of course I agree with you. Um – maybe it’s a mad idea – but it’s just occurred to me that… Perhaps Remus would like to be addressed “she” instead?’  

 

All at once the waist was too tight, the grey was too sharp, the heels were too pointy. It was like Remus wanted to get out – to get out the ball _and_ the dress. It had never been clearer to him: he didn’t want to be addressed as ‘she’, he didn’t want to be a girl at all – _he wasn’t a girl_. He had the sudden desire to put his hand in his pants to see that his penis was really there – to feel that he was indeed a man.

 

‘Thanks, but “he” is alright,’ He felt Sirius’s gaze on him, and he squirmed. ‘Sorry guys, I’m going back to the dorm. I’m a bit tired. Enjoy your night,’ with that Remus hung his head low and darted out of the Great Hall, not looking back, not even once.

                              

* * *

 

 _Click. Click. Click_. The sound of the heels was a constant reminder that he had made a fool of himself. He was actually surprised that no one had laughed at him because _he definitely would_ if he wasn’t the one in the dress.

 

Something moved in the dark. Remus stopped, the silhouette against the torchlight small and lean and vaguely familiar, the raven hair a shade darker even in the shadow.

 

‘Regulus,’ said Remus warningly. He had been on neutral terms with his fellow prefect, not overly cold but certainly not warm. But now was not the right moment to talk inter-house bond building; Remus had never craved the safe territory of the Gryffindor common room more than anything.  

 

‘Lupin,’ Regulus eyed him the way Remus was most afraid of – judgmental, analytical, emotionless. He felt as though Regulus had undressed him and saw him and the inner turmoil right through.

 

‘You’re a thief.’ Regulus’s voice was cold. ‘You stole the girls’ clothes. I thought you were slightly different than the rest of them – but I was wrong. A half breed is a half breed.’

 

Remus started, but he knew right away that Snape had not shut his big mouth after all. Regulus had known, but miraculously not vocal about it. His fists balled up so tightly that his fingernails bit into his palm.

 

‘Stuff it, Black, you don’t know what you’re talking about.’

 

‘I do know, however, and much more than you think I do, I’m afraid,’ Regulus straightened his back. He was an inch or so shorter than Remus, and certainly not as tall as Sirius. ‘That was my brother who sneaked into the dungeon and stole the clothes, wasn’t it? He did so to please his flower boy, or girl, should I say.’ The ghost of a sneer flitted across Regulus’s sharp features.

 

‘Don’t call me a girl,’ Remus bristled. His fingers were tight against his wand that he hadn’t known he’d pulled out.

 

Regulus studied him for a moment, and Remus thought that was rather anticlimax. He felt very stupid, holding a wand towards someone who was cold and dry and did not so much as take out his own wand for defence. If Regulus were Sirius, they would’ve already gone into a deadly fight.

 

Instead, Regulus took a few steps back. ‘How interesting, hearing that from someone in Bulstrode’s dress. I feel rather sorry for you, you know that? Suppose you can’t help having everything in half. Half-breed, half-blood, _half-gendered._ ’ Regulus tilted his head. ‘Not that I want to get Bulstrode’s dress back, but as a Slytherin prefect, you will have consequences for messing with us. _Evanesco_ ,’ said Regulus, and with a cry, the grey dress and underwear on Remus vanished without a trace.

 

Regulus turned away in disgust. ‘I only intended to vanish what you stole – so whose pants were those? Stacie Cobbs’s? Catherine Rosier’s?’

 

‘Yours,’ said Remus before he flicked his wand in fury. Instantly Regulus froze and sank to the floor like he was paralysed, but his eyes were still open and were burning holes in Remus, who _Accio_ his clothes and robes and conjured up a rope with another flick of his wand. Something Regulus said had struck a chord in him, but right now, there was nothing as pleasant as torturing the offensive little brat as he pleased.

 

‘You’re right about me that everything for me is half and half,’ hissed Remus, reeling in awe even as he said it out loud, ‘so I’m going to leave you half-dead in the February night, naked behind the statue until someone finds out. _Goodbye_.’

 

Regulus’s mouth opened and closed but no sound came out. Remus put on Regulus’s shirt, trousers, boots and robes. Albeit a bit too tight, he was feeling much better than he had been all night. He levitated Regulus from the floor and put him behind a giant built-in statue, concealing his entire body from the passers-by.

                          

* * *

 

Despite the excitement he got from torturing his fellow prefect, what Regulus said was rooted in his mind, haunting him, and scaring him.

 

So Regulus was right. He was half and half and maybe more: maybe Marlene’s dare had awoken some sort of female side, but tonight – tonight he was a boy through and through. However, Remus was no stranger to the concept of secret identities – he embraced his being a female born in the wrong body with no problem whatsoever; it was nothing compared to being a werewolf and not _human_. But just as he thought he had an inkling of what he was like, he figured out that he felt more comfortable as male. It was as though he lied: he had cheated Sirius, and Marlene, and many of his supportive friends – he had abused their allowance for him. He knew that he could tell them he was actually Dumbledore in disguise and they would accept his explanation unconditionally because that was the perk of being known as the emotionally fragile werewolf.

 

But what was he really? What was anything?

 

A liar. Loser. Cheater. That was him. Didn’t he enter Hogwarts with a lie in the first place?

 

The dorm was warm, but he was cold. He tripped over something and landed on the bed closest to the door, tears he didn’t know were there stained the duvet and the _Quidditch Gossip_ subscriptions underneath. James’s bed.

 

He dug deeper, fingers shaking as he searched blindly, his face still in the duvet. James would probably be mad when he came back, but James wouldn’t understand. He needed – he needed it –

 

His pulled out a women’s nightgown. He didn’t bother to question why it was in James’s bed in the first place. Giddy, muddled and desperate, he put it on over Regulus’s shirt, nearly choking himself as he struggled with the strings and things –

 

_– great, now he was a complete pervert, stealing clothes from his boyfriend’s brother and friend. But hey, weirdness never bothered him anyway –_

 

His right hand rested on his flat chest, his pulse beating against the rigid shirt and the puffy nightgown where the bosom was supposed to be. The other hand went down without his noticing, trailing along his groin –

 

 _– feeling himself–? Why, did it matter?_ All his friends, they didn’t know what it was like – what it was like having his soul torn in half, swinging between male and female and occasionally stopping in between –

His skin scorched beneath his fingertips, but his heart was cold and hard and void of life –

 

_– at least the outside now matched his inside –_

 

Sirius burst in. He caught Remus in time before he fell headfirst down to the floor, lost and ashamed in his sinful release.

 

‘I don’t know what I am,’ Remus croaked, his eyes staring straight at the ceiling, but he saw nothing. ‘Not anymore. One day I opened my eyes and found that I wasn’t _human_ anymore, then the other day I kissed a boy and I’m gay. And suddenly I thought I was born with the wrong gender, and now I am a mess _wanking_ in Regulus’s clothes –‘

 

He was too tired, too confused to even form a coherent sentence. Sirius didn’t ask a question; he just held Remus firmly, not minding a single bit when his expensive robes crumpled in Remus’s grips. It wasn’t until Remus quieted down that he spoke.

 

‘It’s okay that you feel like a mess,’ Sirius said into his curls that were trembling with the rest of him. He was quaking as well. ‘I love you, and _all of you._ Everything you are – human, wolf, gay, straight, boy, girl, or anything in between – is everything I love. You’re still Remus John Lupin through and through; if you identify as female, then you’re my best girl. If you identify as male, you’re still Hogwart’s prettiest boy, whom I’ve fallen in love with. Even if you don’t feel like anything at all – you’re still my everything. I don’t love Moony any less because he’s not human, I don’t love _you_ any less because you are different – I don’t bloody care. You are you, and that’s what matters to me.’

 

Sirius gasped for breath after his grand speech. He had gushed it in a go, raw and simple, but the emotions were genuine.

 

‘Besides,’ he added, after his breathing was even again, ‘no one says you can’t be more than just male and female.’

 

Remus was silent for a while, and then he plucked up his courage. ‘So… you don’t mind me? Swinging a bit… like… _fluid_?’

 

‘I love varieties,’ Sirius paused, and then a mischievous light flashed across his eyes. ‘Well, actually I do. A bit.’

 

‘What?’ Remus jerked up from the hug.

 

Sirius licked his lips. ‘I do mind you wanking in Regulus’s clothes. I’d rather you wank on mine, or better, on me.’

 

‘Oh,’ replied Remus, a small smile playing on the corner of his mouth.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Braces are suspenders in British English.
> 
> Also... HAPPY BIRTHDAY REMUS YOU'RE MY FAVOURITE PERSON EVER HERE'S YOUR BIRTHDAY GIFT LALALA


End file.
